One
by holycitygirl
Summary: Spike and Buffy's thoughts


Disclaimer:  I don't own anything (except the clothing on my back).  Joss don't sue me.  Ha! (Like he cares about us little people).  The song is U2's One.  

Summary: Alternating (kinda) POV's Spike, Spike, Buffy, Spike, Buffy –just a little what could they be thinking during the current season.  

Personal statement:  I love a few couples on fanfiction.net.  I'm doing the rounds with my stories.  This is the second of my couples I'm attempting.  I welcome reviews.  They are like crack (or how I assume crack would be based on True Life episodes and Dateline specials).  

One

_Is it getting better_

_Or do you feel the same_

_Will it make it easier on you _

_Now you got someone to blame_

_You say_

_One love_

_One life_

_When it's one need _

_In the night_

_Its one love _

_We get to share it_

_It leaves you baby_

_If you don't care for it_

My sire hurt you bad.  I hurt you too.  But he was first.  First at everything.  And I could never compare.  It was always Angel and Angelus before that.  I'd years to learn to quit trying to fill his shoes.  But I'd never been a good student.  Too stubborn.  Too full of it.  Even in my bloody poet days you couldn't tell me anything. All or nothing.  Some people see that as a good quality.  But obviously not you.  Not at first.  You had your one true and it had put you off the stuff.  And when I hated you I thought that was funny.  But then everything changed.  The chip changed everything.  It allowed me to be the person inside the demon.  The person I was.  Weak and pathetic, Angelus would say.  And if I close my eyes I can hear Cecily and Darla after her laughing in my ears.  A failure.  Impotent.  But to you it was all a joke.  A farce.  I couldn't love.  Because he couldn't.  And it was his damn world after all wasn't it?  His damn show.  But after you died I got my chance.  You came back.  You didn't want my love but you needed my body.  And I gave.  Until it almost killed us both.

_Did I disappoint you?_

_Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?_

_You act like you never had love_

_And you want me to go without_

_Well it's too late_

_Tonight_

_To drag the past out into the light_

_We're one _

_But we're not the same_

_We get to carry each other_

_Carry each other_

_One_

That night was my worst moment.  Worse to me than every innocent stranger I drove rail road spikes through.  Worse than any time I helped Angelus feast of families.  Because I hated them, every one, for having what I would never have –Life.  But you- you I loved.  And that night I hurt you for the same reason.  Your rejection of life was what had brought us together.  The new Buffy.  The one who yearned for death.  But that night I could see you were changing back.  Waking up from your slumber.  And you weren't going to need me anymore.  I was scared.  Because I needed you.  So I tried to force what you had never really wanted.  And I left because I hated myself.  I sought a soul to prevent anything like that happening again.  And because in a way I wanted to feel worse.  I wanted the kind of pain that only hell could bring.  But I didn't have the guts to greet the sun.  So I left and I meant to stay away.  But in the end I was called back.  By the First Evil? By the Powers that suck?  I don't know yet.  Whose side did they expect me to be on?

_Have you come here for forgiveness?_

_Have you come to raise the dead?_

_Have you come here to play Jesus- _

_To the lepers in your head?_

_Did I ask too much?_

_More than a lot?_

_You gave me nothing _

_Now it's all I got_

_We're one _

_But we're not the same_

_We hurt each other_

_Then we do it again_

I didn't know what to think when you came back.  I never thought you would have left.  But when I found you in that basement-crazed, I was relieved.  Relieved and unsettled.  Two emotions that shouldn't go together, kind of like Webster's equivalent of you and me.  Once you cleared up I thought you would beg pardon.  Plead your case.  But you didn't.  As if you knew none would be given.  When I learned of your soul I thought you would claim absolution.  Play the Angel card.  But you gave me an out.  But we still hurt each other.  We still couldn't trust.  And I wouldn't try.  Then came the First Evil (capital F capital E).  Using you like a puppet.  And I didn't like it.  Not because I hadn't done the same thing, but because I had.  I decided you'd been used enough.  And although I'm not willing to admit that you should be a part of my life I'm willing to admit you are.  

_You say_

_Love is a temple _

_Love a higher law_

_Love is a temple _

_Love the higher law_

_You ask me to enter_

_But then you make me crawl_

_And I can't keep holding on_

_To what you got _

_When all you got is hurt_

So you believe in me.  You rescued me.  You made me a part of the effort again.  I'm once more allowed to don the white hat and save the world.  Even though I'm not interested in the world.  Just myself and you.  Well –you.  The soul didn't make me Angel but it does keep from being quite so fond of me.  I want you to prevail.  Even if I'll never get anything out of it.  I once said I was Love's bitch and what a bitch she is.  But that is partly my fault.  Cause I don't know how to take it and sometimes I'm not too good at the giving either.  But I'm going to keep trying.  Even if I never get it right.  I'm going to keep loving you until I can't anymore.  Until you make me stop or life does.  If either is even possible.  I think I finally know you.  I finally see what makes you tick.  I think you may even understand me.  I use to think that life would always surprise you.   But nothing surprises me anymore.  Not life's ability to suck or shine.  What tomorrow holds I couldn't begin to fathom.  But I'll be here.  And so will you.  So there is no telling what we'll do together.  You've quit surprising me too.  

_One love_

_One blood_

_One life_

_You got to do what you should_

You are an unlikely ally.  But maybe the best one I have.  I am teaching the young ones different than I was taught.  I learned in black and white.  And I chose to ignore most of the gray shading on my own.  But I won't let them.  Because tunnel vision can screw you.  And limbs that don't bend break.  And depending only on yourself can get you killed.  I've learned that demons and humans have something in common.  Choice.  Not only you but Clem and Warren taught me that.  Unfortunately so did Willow and myself.  We all are capable of so much.  And I could have adopted the _trust no one philosophy but I won't.  I choose instead to not pre-judge.  A leopard will show its spots.  The rot will show through.  Most vamps will come in with both guns drawn.  And killing them will always be done with skill and satisfaction.  But I'm not closing my heart anymore.  I'm not limiting myself by calling and obligation.  I loved Angel.  I love you.  I was hurt and hurt you both.  I don't fully trust either of you.  But I now trust myself.  We have much to get over and no time to do it maybe.  Evil is afoot, as usual, but this time it is the granddaddy of them all.  There is a job to be done.  And I'm as scared of it as I am of the real life we will have to tackle when we succeed.  But for now we are teammates.  I can fight beside you easier than I can fight against you now.  Saving the world is easy.  Love it seems is infinitely hard. _


End file.
